Wendy and the marvy adventures of Jim the Fungus

Mourn with me, friends! My (second) dearest possession (because really, nothing beats my comfy bed) has gone up to the great Laptop Home in the Sky. It fought bravely in his last hours, even though his keys were falling off, the dvd player was broken and the screen was getting a tad wobbly. Not being able to recharge was what finally did it.

ELMIDA_PC

* 2007

+ 2011

As I skipped off to heartlessly replace my computer on the same afternoon it had died I discovered that some complete idiot has made sure that I won't be doing just that. Because I'm not made of money and I'm not married to Bill Gates I have to get one on credit, which oughn't be a problem unless one has ever gotten in trouble with the Hoogheemraadschap van Rijnland. Or to be more close to the truth, they had trouble with MOI. Have you ever had trouble with MOI? Have you? If so, then you know how they must have SHIVERED behind their cute little desks. If not, oh okay. To prevent tl;dr: they charged me for taxes I didn't have to pay so I didn't pay and they most likely registered me at the bureau that prevents people with debts taking loans. Now, I don't have debts because in the end they came crying to me that they had made a mistake and I indeed did not have to empty my wallet over their greedy little wrinkly hands but that's not what the bureau thinks. I think. Because it takes a bloody week for them to figure that out. Honestly, have we gone back to the Dark Ages where it took a trillion and a half years to get a message delivered because the only option was going on horseback and then stop to take a rest at a shady inn called the Decapitated Leprechaun and get nearly burgled by brigands and shout LO, COMETH AT ME, BROTHER! and then finally arrive and that's just one way? I thought this was the 21st century where people clickityclick with their little computer mousies and the required data immediately pops on screen. But I was mistaken, obviously, and thus laptopless for at least another week. Sob sob sob.

Oh well, to kill time and forget about the awful loss of my laptop (actually it's because I get fired if I don't show up) I went to work like I normally did. It was quite nice really because all the poor kiddies are facing Judgment Day so they emptied some of the classrooms and places the chair and tables in the gym. That doesn't only give me enough space to do romantic ballroom dancing with my loving broom but it also gives me time to clean things I normally don't have time for. Like, you know, the tables, which normally you should be able to clean but my bosses are bonkers. And I was just minding my own business when I saw him. The most humongous moldy sandwich I have ever seen and believe me when I say I have seen many, many moldy sandwiches in my cleaning lady carreer. Honestly, it was enough fungus to provide someone with antibiotics for a lifetime. A normal person, that is, with me it would last for about a year. And just as I was staring in the bin in awe, I heard it.

"Hello."
I looked around, confused, because my deary collegues weren't there yet.
"Yes, hello, down here."
And then I saw it. The modly sandwich. The pile of fungus. Staring at me.
"Oh." I said. "Hello?"
"Yes, hello. Don't worry, I'm not really a talking modly sandwich. It's just the horrible smell and intoxicating fumes from the bins that have finally made you snap and go mad." said the talking moldy sandwich.
"Oh."
"Yes. It was bound to happen one day, wasn't it?"
I stared into the bin, directly at the talking sandwich and nodded.
"I suppose so, yes."
"Well then. I'm Jim. Actually I'm Jimbocius Francisco of Rottingville but you can call me Jim."
"Oh. Ok. Well when. Jim. Jimbo. Hop into my garbage bag, why don't you?"
And Jim hopped into the garbage bag, snuggly amongst the other molds and fungi, and I took him for a stroll along the hallways. I soon had to stop and retch because of Jim's awful BO but I thought it would be rude to say anything so I didn't. And then I saw a cookie wrapper stuck behind one of the lockers and I said to Jim,
"Hold on, I need to clean this up."
And I pulled it free from behind the lockers. But lo, there came more, and I pulled out more. And more. And more. And there just came no end it it.
"Blimey." said Jim.
"I know." I replied.
For a moment we just looked at it in awe. Behind the lockers was about three years worth of empty cookie wrappers, like someone's secret stash. I had discovered a treasure. Although a gross treasure.
"It looks like one of those magic tissues. You know. The ones magicians have. That they just keep pulling and pulling and there comes no end to it." said Jim.
I stared at Jim blankly.
"You are awfully smart for a moldy sandwich."
"I know." said Jim. "It's a burden, really."
And I kept on cleaning and all that time Jim the Fungus kept me company as he didn't really have a choice because he had no limbs after all because he was just a sandwich and he was in the garbage bag. But like always it soon became 7 PM and I really had to go. And as I was dragging the garbage bag along I said to Jim:
"I'm awfully sorry, Jimbo, but I really have to go home now because I'm awfully hungry and there's dinner waiting for me."
"Oh, I see. Well I suppose I was more lucky than any moldy sandwich anyway. Off you go, then."
"Bye Jim. Oh wait, one more question. Was I talking to the fungus or to the sandwhich?"
Jim just stared at me for a moment and was silent.
"It's difficult. We sort of fused together. We're just one big moldy sandwich."
"Oh." I said, ashamed. "I'm sorry. It's just that I haven't met many moldy sandwiches before."
"It's okay," replied Jim "That happens to me a lot. Well, by then."
"Bye."
And I chucked the garbage bag and Jim along with it in the container.

Well of course it didn't actually happen like that because it went more like oh my good heavens what on earth is this how could anyone have collected so much mold oh god this is the most traumatizing thing I've experienced all week and Baby Jesus have mercy on my soul it's only Tuesday yet and then I emptied the bin and went on with it. Though the supply of neverending cookie wrappers was true. And maybe the part about me being mad.

Like a loon on loon tablets

My, my, my. I should probably get a medal for procrastinating, my last blog being posted on the 27th of December. But then again, it's not as if I had anything interesting to tell you lot about. The most important people in my life are all aware of my personal dramas and agonies from first-hand telling and wouldn't really care to read about it in a blog post and the rest would just... not care in the first place. And you might think: "Why don't you just post something more positive, then?". But really, if I wanted to tell you all fairy tales I would direct you to my other blog, where I publish my 'novel'. And that was indeed a very non-subtle hint for you all to go and check that out right now. Yes, now. Don't procrastinate. Procrastinating is bad for you. Ahum.

Well, as there is nothing to mention on either the school, work or social life department I'll just get on to the medical ride of happiness I've been going through for years now. Of course the 'happiness' was another clever trick of my brilliant sarcasmiosity. I still don't enjoy being a half-cripple much, especially since it's now bothering me in my attempts to become a super-thin super model of beauty and glamour. But! As of last week, there are two certain leather-and-cork flaps in my life that have vaguely started to uncripple me. Only slightly, but ever so much. For once, I don't walk like a loony duck anymore. Well, just a tiny bit (and I'm still a loon), but what if I ever get my identity changed by getting a new face and people would want to recognize me? They couldn't even identity me by my walk anymore. So I'm keeping a bit of the duckwalk in there. But I must say, my insoles are helping my knees quite a bit. Maybe there's hope and I'll actually be able to walk more than a kilometer without pain!

And there's also the loon tablets! Or actually they're just allergy-fighting tablets. But they are my most precious property of all at the moment. Hey fever season is doing the full on boogie-woogie in this time of the year and not being able to breathe + hear + not sneeze for ten minutes does get quite annoying after a while. I was on a homeopathic solution for those wittle pwoblems, but since those things are basically just fake medicines with fancy stickers of nature and herbs on the package it didn't really help much. But these pills... Woah! Shazam! They are amazing! I was instantly cured of my eternal sniffing and sneezing but what's best is... I can cuddle my little bunny rabbit again! Well, I could always do that, but that was only if I didn't mind not being able to breathe for the following hours. With the tablets taken, I can scoop the little (actually he's huge, he's half-bunny half-rhinoceros) fur ball out of his cage and cuddle and pet and hug and not die of allergies. It's amazing! A whole new world opened up for me! It has quite possibly restored my chances of ever becoming a crazy cat lady in the future!

The glory of being able to pet animals almost makes me forget the actual reasons I got those medicines. Because really, the doctor hardly cares about the dramatic Romeo-and-Jullietesque story of me and my bunny, or the fact that flowers and trees and grass are evil and want to kill me. What he cares about (and me too actually) is the fact that my body is slowly being devoured by wild-growth infections and that it is probably caused by an allergy of some sorts. Anyway, I have to go back there in two weeks and tell him that all my problems are fixed, but sadly my bladder still hurts and is still being as annoying as if was before I got those tablets. Maybe they'll help on a longer term and maybe the other infections will stay away now, but my bladder is so far not joining the health salsa. Samba. Rumba. Exotic dancing.

Anyway, I'll get back to the ever so important job of delivering mail now. But without sniffling and sneezing this time. See you in five months for the next blog!